Springing Into A New Phase
Estimated Reading Time: 13 mins. | Song: Farafina Mousso by Lubiana
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I’m going to let you in on a little secret about yoga and why it is one of my favorite things not only to discuss but one of my favorite aspects of my life. Yoga as America knows it is a watered down, colonized method of fitness for the folks that want to be flexible and show off and for those that have considered trying yoga to get in ‘shape’ because they just weren’t a fan of working out. ***Insert major side-eye*** Viola Davis meme
Okay, I was being cynical and sarcastic although that is unfortunately what so many believe yoga to be along with many other myths that I won’t debunk or make mention of here. The secret to yoga is knowing it is all encompassing as a practice, it's not a religion but could support your religious practices or beliefs, it's NOT fitness although it invites you to be in and present with your body. It is not mental health care, although through connecting with your body and breath you could certainly calm the mind. Yoga for me, has been a practice of finding my own Self and grounding into what is true regardless of the stage of life I happen to be in.
Unlike many other yogis or yoga teachers, I did not find my practice attending a twerk yoga class or looking for a physical workout. I was a 3 season athlete so my fitness was covered. I came to yoga as a 16-year-old trying to navigate anxiety about navigating what I wanted to do with my life while the life I knew was falling apart via my parents divorce. I came to the practice seeking and yearning for a space or practice or something that I could have of my own and be myself, fully accepted as I was. I never came to this practice seeking representation because for me, I didn’t need to see someone like me practicing to know what I felt or experienced to continue. I understand for many, this may not be the case and there is no shame or harm in wanting to see teachers and guides that look like you or representative of your lived experience. It is just not my story.
My husband and I during his pinning ceremony for Staff Sergeant
Military Life
As many of you know I am a United States Air Force Veteran and my bid (yes, that is what I said) with the military certainly impacted my life and my outlook on colonization. From my experience, the people I met in the military all went in for various reasons and you could certainly recognize the differences based on race who went in for the ability to travel and pay for college or care for family versus those that got bored and felt like they didn’t want to work for the family business anymore so they decided to fight for their country. After my parents divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to ask my mom to cover the cost of college for me after witnessing what she went through paying for my older sister. So to the military I went, although I was accepted into my first choice school (heyyy Clark Atlanta University).
During my time in the military I was exposed to different people from different walks of life, beliefs, cultures and more. For the most part getting to know others really equated to where they were from, why they joined and where they were headed or wanted to go in their life. Contrary to popular belief, not all women go into the military seeking marriage or partnership (so many of us already know what it is with military men). Nevertheless, I first met my husband in the Air Force when we were detailed to pick up trash although we were stationed at different bases after that and had other relationships. For me, the military was only a stepping stone to get to where I wanted to be, an attorney.
Fast forward and now I am reflecting at the 10 years it has been since I separated from the military. What stages and phases of life I have experienced since then. What goals and dreams I have reached, changed and no longer serve me. The family I have grown along the way while creating pockets of community everywhere we were stationed. If I had to pinpoint any one thing about my military career that was a plus, it would be the sub-culture of belonging it creates. Even if you knew no one, all it took is a mention of another base you’ve TDY’d to or PCS’d from and instantly someone else could relate or remember things about that base. What was always present and underlying was the racism and sexism running rampant in the military that was and is today still piled under the rugs.
My military service gave me various experiences that came at the cost of often inflicting self-harm to PROVE myself while regularly being invalidated into believing I was making things up or was flat out wrong. This included working in hostile and sexist work environments, sexual assault, harrassment and flat out failure to promote me, not based on the mission or my work getting done but because why promote this Black woman? I have a list of disabilities now some visible and many invisible but I will never let it thwart my ambition for freedom and liberation. What was always with me and present no matter where I was stationed was my yoga practice.
The little people and I out at one of our adventures in Oahu, 2014.
College Life + The Non-Profit Industrial Complex
When I left the military, I was now a new mom with a gorgeous 4 month old baby girl, 4 months after my own mother transitioned from this realm and pregnant with my son. There was no way I was going to let school or children stop me from reaching my desired goal of becoming an attorney. What could potentially delay me though was my disability symptoms and well, becoming a new mother when I did not have the time to grief the unexpected passing of my mom.
I’ve always shared how my mom has been my first teacher, spiritually, physically and in every other aspect I could learn. Afterall she was married to my father who served in the military while being a strong wife and raising her 5 children while back in college to pursue her dreams of becoming a nurse. I knew that with her as an example before me, it might be a challenge but I could do it too. My children could be my reason and not my excuse. I returned back to school to pursue Public Relations (well, until I realized I didn’t really want to get my bachelors in manipulation).
While back in college but now as an adult, I wanted and needed to remain as sharp as possible. We adopted a local family that adopted us since we were no longer on the mainland and had no village where we were. When she kept the kids, I was at school then when I started volunteering with 2 different non-profits, my babies were in tow.
The first non-profit I worked with was intended to be a non-profit created by a Veteran for Homeless Veterans (it is non- existent today). Although I believed in the cause, it had no framework, policies or actual plans for what it was going to do but held many fundraisers to raise money. As a person who values integrity, this lack of transparency was a no-go for me. So I left the organization and began volunteering with another one.
This particular non-profit focused on young girls being sex and human trafficked, many by their families in this particular area. This was my first true experience on how sensationalization happens. The ‘owner’ would tell willing Veterans and Active Duty service members about how horrible the living conditions for these young ladies were. We would hear stories of lice, bed bugs and roaches running rampant through the shelter they and their families lived in. There was an influx of women volunteers who had nothing other than the heart to participate and care for others, so meals were cooked, clothing was donated, fundraisers were held, meeting spots were secured. And then, what made it all fall apart was new volunteers that found out a few other volunteer happened to be (gasp) lesbians.
At this point, I had become a bigger role in the organization because the founder claimed to be overwhelmed. When she and I met, she revealed there actually was no 501c3 paperwork actually completed and yet, all of these volunteers were donating their time and finances. The least I could do is under my leadership, get the paperwork done and completed. Form an actual board of folks that knew the laws and what we would be working against and that had nothing to do with someone’s sexuality. For lack of a better explanation and also but ensuring I am not participating in saviorism or virtue signaling because I felt singling these volunteers out would be wrong, I refused to side with the other very staunch Christian women by asking the ‘lesbians’ to leave the group. The group of adults became fractured, disagreements ensued every weekly gathering and the root of it was bigotry. It was that some Christians in the group felt they were closer to God and in the position to judge those that also believed in and had a relationship with God but were lesbians and see what I don’t believe in is telling others how to believe or live their lives, its simply not my place. The other leader sided with the staunch Christians because she too was indoctrinated to believe that women (and our girls we were supporting) were to only wear dresses and to continue helping them (the girls) and then by extension, their families we needed to convert them or invite them into Christianity. Imaging her face when she began to invite them to church and into Christianity and then discovering they had their own spiritual beliefs and practices. The non-profit fell apart and shortly after, I moved and while raising my young babies and caring for my nieces and nephew. There was no desire in me to solidify a non-profit organization built on religious hate.
Me doing a yoga asana posture in front of one of the many murals on Oahu
Decolonization + Yoga
All throughout my military career, stationed in various places to leaving the military and supporting my husband as he continued in the military to my college career and volunteering or non-profit stints, in the background was always my physical asana practice. When I experienced postpartum depression, I self-medicated (this is not a recommendation to do this) with essential oils to lift me, herbal teas known to support and I lived in Hawaii for natures sake, so I found plenty of other women outside of this volunteer group to be in community with. I hiked regularly, I lived part-time at the gym and discovered my love for running longer distances after realizing how much I could push my body to go. But in the background or behind the scenes of these aspects of my life, what held me was my yoga practice and meditation.
I did not know at the time, Grihastha yogis were a thing. I did not know the sacred texts within yoga philosophy broke down into epics of practical knowledge and application because initial I would only allow myself to go so far with yoga due to my Christian upbringing. The church (specifically Christian and heavy emphasis on the BLACK church) does a great job of judging and condemning anything that does not make sense or appear to be what the leadership believes a good Christian should be, yoga included. Yoga was a practice asking you to dig deeper, be present and feel into your body so you can dive deeper into other aspects of yourself, meanwhile the church was requiring you to divorce yourself from your body (your flesh) to honor God and follow HIS commandments.
Well, the God of my understanding didn’t move like this. He enjoyed my fellowship and getting closer after practicing yoga and sitting in meditation. He pointed out to me how no matter where my church membership was, no matter the Christian based organization or non-profit I was forming, even in spiritual spaces God can be absent while in this ancient practice God could be more present than ever. Not to mention, in college I was also being challenged via my philosophy teacher to decide on and set moral agreements based on what we believed to be moral not how we were raised nor the religion we belonged to. It could not have come at a better time in my life, when as a new mother and still pretty newlywed wife, I was still trying to navigate who I now was and how I wanted this family to grow and not based on what my in-laws or family thought but based on what worked for us.
Me at Angkor Wat Temples in Cambodia on my first yoga retreat.
Parallels of Churches
Living on an island made it easy to experience various walks of life. One Sunday we visited the (Black) Baptist church service to see if it was a fit for us, the next we visit the more alternative Christian service. We visited a City of Refuge church with over 16 pastors, that we never experienced the original pastor preach or teach and then we experienced the church that felt more like our church where our membership resided on the mainland. We wanted to like it, we wanted to stay until there was so much heavy indoctrination that did not sit right with us and we were unraveling in what a relationship to Christ looked like for us as a family and individually.
When the church we were attending at this time, decided to lock its doors during a service because they had not received their desired amount in tithes and offerings, I knew I was out. Now Christians especially in the Black church will gaslight the hell out of you by condemning you and claiming you could never love God or have a relationship with God if you were so easily able to turn away and walk away because of the abuse you experienced at a church. Afterall, you weren’t ‘hurt’ by God, you were hurt by God’s people and maybe even then, you weren’t hurt, you were being judged as Christ would have told them to judge you.
***Insert Viola again***
We never went back to that church, meanwhile our home church on the mainland only called and checked on us enough to remind us to send in our tithes and offerings and donate extra money because the Pastor had come up with a new goal for financial increase that year. One morning in meditation, I heard clearly to attend a different church, the one we had participated in for Dave Ramsey’s Legacy Planning course. Personally, I liked the vibe and the energy of this church, it was not necessarily younger but their outlook of God and expression of Christ-like love felt warmer and like an embrace, not a punishment to eternal death. During our first visit, our children were embraced right away. They went to childrens church and had a system where their father and I could sit with them and still attend service without being condemned because they cried during service, it was not viewed as a reflection of my ‘bad parenting’. People literally attended this church after walking out of the water at the beach, wet, dripping water barefoot with a towel around their waist and felt seen and accepted enough to come as they were. This was an experience my husband was not ready for because indoctrination and conditioning runs deep. This church felt too relaxed, not critical enough, there was not enough of a hierarchy of who was doing it right or getting it wrong, it was harder to distinguish us among ripped jeans and swim trunks. So we didn’t go back.
By this time, I already became a yoga instructor and although I was not actively teaching anywhere yet, I knew I would be headed back to South Carolina soon and teaching there. It was during one of my morning practices and mediations that I heard the whisper that I already have a relationship with God and I do not have to seek that only within the confines of the four walls of a church. Ministry does not only happen because Christians came together to decide they would or could help a family because they converted to the faith. So I stopped going to a physical church and really began unraveling my relationship to a higher source or being via religion. But of course not before being harmed by yogis because of being Christian.
It’s me but what I imagine God and Mother Nature to look like. Photo taken by Sarah McDonald at Lubumba, 2021.
A Decade
It is so interesting to me to look back at this point in my life and realize it has been 10 years on this decolonial journey, no longer looking for or seeking God outside of myself. Not believing in religion at all but enjoying spirituality. Mending my past trauma experiences and expressions where I have had to prove myself, justify my beliefs or turn the other cheek as others harmed me and it being expected because after all if they ridiculed and killed Jesus, I am no greater than he to not experience the same subjugation.
That is no longer the God of my understanding. That is no longer the limitations I experience on what and who is viewed as sacred and divine. And God, the one of my understanding, is the who and what I am made in the image of. SInce I am a woman, God is a woman. Because why can’t she be? She doesn’t work in as ‘mysterious’ ways as the God of my youth was mystically described, She is still omnipresent and omnipotent because She is everywhere. She is energy. She is nature. She is alive in the rocks and crystals, the flowers and shrubs, the insects (yes, even the ones I don’t like) and the animals I have been taught to fear, be afraid of and conquer.
When I formed my yoga studio and business all of those years ago, it was after being on a yoga retreat and hearing clearly it was time for me to become a yoga teacher and specifically share this liberating practice with those that needed and wanted it and were regularly denied access. People that looked like me and still were Christians or believed in God. The scripture I was given was Romans 12:2.
“And be not conformed by to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Recognizing my own divinity and how sacred my life, this life is and my role in guiding the next generation in who they are supposed to be and knowing who they come from so they do not have to go seeking as long as I was, often feeling lost is what reminds me to consistently remember I am in this world but not of this world. I am able and willing to transform because I frequently renew my mind, by connecting with my body and sitting in the manifestations of God, nature.