When The Student Is Ready
Photo Credit: Aneris Photography
the teacher appears, at least that is how the cliche goes.
When I began my healing journey after surrendering to what I was being called to in 2013, I had recently experienced the physical transition of my mother who was my first spiritual teacher. In fact a huge part of my decision to surrender to who I knew I was supposed to be came from my mother’s transition.
I grew up in the church ya’ll, so spirit talk and energy or vibes were familiar to me- even though that was not the exact language used in the church to describe it. It was heavier with more condemnation than someone being or bringing ‘negative energy’. It was often called demonic, satanic, secular and of the world and your best bet was to plead the blood of Jesus and keep away from it. Having grown up in the church there were many visits or ‘adventures’ to different churches to find the one that fit when we moved to a new place or my mother’s spirit no longer aligned with what was happening at our old or home church. That meant new rules, new children’s ministry groups to interact with or noticing kids from school in different churches.
Although a lot of the adage was not to ‘question God’, my mother raised me to believe it was always okay to ask for understanding and I wanted to know how she decided which church we attended would be the ‘right’ one for us. That was when she first said, “I use the spirit of discernment and trust what it leads me to.” Okay, got it, spirit of discernment and what it guides to. Wait?! How do you know it is the spirit of discernment and not your ‘flesh’ or a deceptive spirit?
I have always had all of the questions and trusted my mother and her spiritual answers for the wisdom. She told me I would know first by trusting that God {Spirit} wants what is best for me and will always want me to be safe and in a safe position. Then she mentioned that Spirit would always reveal what resonates with my spirit within and not conflict its messages no matter who it is coming from. Even if it were somebodies pastor, Reverend or Bishop! But most important and before all of those other factors, it would align with my spirit based on the relationship I have with Spirit first. I distinctly remember this conversation being in my youth because shortly after I told my mother I was ready to be baptized because I knew there was this calling on my life and that happened when I was 9-years-old.
“Spirit will always want what is best for you.”
Fast forward 17 years and I recall hearing Spirit tell me to stop attending the church my family was trying to make our home church on the island. I knew I would not be going back to anyone’s church unless I was directly told by Spirit. I knew this because of my life-long experiences of church hurt, church induced trauma and religious dogma and drama. As I left the physical church, my relationship with Spirit grew even more although there were family members on both side of my family and in-laws that assumed not having a home church and not attending services on Sunday’s made my family back sliding heathens. HA! I mean it is laughable now but it was just one of the many ways I experienced fear mongering and controlling behavior, not to mention the feelings of isolation.
Stepping away from the physical church was not the hard part, the loss of church family and relationships was the hard part because in the church we were taught and conditioned to believe anyone not in the church has strayed away from God and backslide and unless we too wanted to be condemned to damnation or hell, we needed to separate ourselves from them. This included family members y’all and is what led my family to lean into seeking new community and family via our beliefs and ways were were desiring to show up in the world.
In my younger days I ventured into exploring atheism- but it did not feel right for me because I knew I had seen and felt a higher presence with me in times I did not think I should have been safe. So I threw that out. I started looking into what it meant to be Muslim since I had family members that were still accepted with this belief system. Whew, it didn’t work for me. I was raised by parents that were very strong teachers in having pride in our Blackness, so I considered many of the methods and teachings of Black Nationalism, Pan-Africanism and Nuwaubians. Then there was the yogic and spiritual community I did not dive too deep into because of the classism and racism I was experiencing in those spaces although spiritually more felt aligned. I also knew from being in Christianity many of the philosophies and ideas in yoga or Eastern religions was demonized and feared whether founded or unfounded, so I was leary about diving deeper into what was available there for me.
What I found in each of the spaces was well, it did NOT align with my spirit. Many of these communities or organizations did not feel like they were about spirituality or connection, healing or liberation but rather control and ways to oppress others. That does not resonate with my experience or heart either, so I could not stay in those spaces although I have opted to stay connected or in contact with people I have met in those spaces.
As I have grown and continued along my own journey, I have witnessed many that have called me teacher or mentor and what a great (and sacred) responsibility it is to both embody and impart wisdom to others. I have witnessed others along their journey feel isolation, harm, oppression and deception by those in loosely labeled spirituality and spiritual practices under a great feed aesthetic and layered in oppressive capitalism. I have fought myself long and hard in creating sustainable business and communities because of the fear of being viewed like many of those I have experienced. It took a lot of unpacking, unlearning, prayer and intentional check-ins to get to this point and I want to share with others what I have learned.