Abortion + Me pt. 2
Trigger Warning: ⚠️ I want to let you know this ritual in writing is in regards my personal experience with abortion and the decision I made 17 years ago. This is NOT written or shared to negate anyone’s personal stance on abortion but is simply my share because I think it is important to know the actual faces, realities and experiences of live people outside of talking points from politicians, especially those without uteri.
If you haven’t started at the beginning of my abortion story, trust me you’ll want to go back and start here. That way everything in the rest of this share has context.
I went to my appointment, I was NOT scared because I knew what this decision meant. In fact, I knew the only thing that would pause me leaving for basic training and allowing the military to pay for my college education was this moment. Crowds of people were outside with signs and I was approached by a frail white woman that pushed me and started screaming about how “33% of Black babies are aborted and I was killing my own community.” Then an old white man came up to me and showed a poster with a picture of a fetus and started yelling that how could I kill this baby! My sister yelled and told them to get away from me (okay, she told them to “Get the f*ck away from me) then she walked me into the clinic. She stayed with me until they told her she could not stay because she was holding my niece and it would impact the other people there expecting to receive services. I think she went to the car and just waited until I was done.
I don’t remember if there were any vitals taken. I remember being called back into an exam room and filling out some paperwork. I remember a nurse coming in and reviewing the forms. Then I remember being given a pill to help me relax a bit before the procedure was to happen. I remember taking the Valium because I had been prescribed it before from my periodontist and because I never took it even though my mom said it was “strong stuff.” I took it and had to wait about 30 mins for it to take effect and while I waited I sat in this room, alone. I remember being cold and the color purple being in the room. But I couldn’t tell you if it were the paint of the walls or a blanket on the table.
When it was time, I was walked into a different room and told to undress from the waist down. Afterward, I sat down on the table with assistance and was asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound before the procedure began. I knew in my heart I had to say no, because if I saw the baby, I would probably change my mind and make a different decision even though I knew it would be life-changing for this baby, myself and its father. So I didn’t want to see the ultrasound. I turned my head away from the screen and after they verified the pregnancy and embryo in my uterus via the ultrasound, the procedure was to begin.
They did ask me if I wanted the pill and explained how it would happen and whatI could expect for the next few days, but I was short on time. I had to get a pregnancy test turned into my recruiter and be ready for basic training. I didn’t have any time for any complications or the chance that I would be one of the rare cases in which it didn’t work. I opted for the abortion they would surgically perform right away and they did. It lasted for about 5 minutes from start to finish, I don’t know if that was accurate or if it was influenced by the medication I was on but I wasn’t there long. Afterward I went to the recovery room and was given another pill to for the cramping. Before I could leave I had to let them know I had someone to drive me and I told them I had my sister waiting.
Whenever I came out of there, the crowds of people had died down. The parking lot was emptier than when I arrived and I felt okay minus the cramps but knew I had to find my sister. When I found her in her car, she mentioned she recently spoke to my mom and we were all supposed to meet for an early dinner at Carrabas in Southgate so I needed to pull myself together, switch back into my work shirt and drive over to the restaurant otherwise my mom would know something was up. I cannot lie for anything, so whenever I knew I was going to do something with a friend or family member I probably shouldn’t be doing they knew they had to do all the speaking because otherwise I was going to tell it all. I had to, I felt like when anyone looked into my eyes, they could see the answers in my soul- but not being a good liar didn’t seem like such a bad thing.
I remember pulling up to Carrabbas right after my sister did. As soon as I put my car in park, I opened my door and threw up. I remember my sister standing there and asking if I was okay and telling me to clean myself up because our mom would be there any minute. As soon as I sat up and she finished her words, my mom pulled up with my baby sister. We all walked into the restaurant for an early ladies dinner.
Everything was fine after that and I knew I would soon be off to the military. Work was good, my body felt strong, I was back to working out and not quite as tired as I was previously. My parents made plans that we would spend the day together as a family the day before I left for basic training. This was July 18, 2005. I remember my mom, dad, brother, sister and niece all riding in one car together and eating in Denver. Then we drove to see this hanging lake that we were going to hike, we did a lot of outdoor and nature centered things when I was growing up so this was nothing new. When we finally arrived to begin the hike it was much later than we thought it would be and other hikers were just finishing the return hike to their cars and informing us there was a bear spotted. They also told us there were some shadow spots along the trail you’d want to have flashlights for or see in daylight and a stroller wouldn’t be feasible. We ended up not even getting started up the hike.
As a reservist, the next morning I had to provide final pregnancy test results to my recruiter and pick up my plane ticket to fly to basic training the next morning, there was no MEPS with others entering service like it was for active duty. That morning, I went to the Planned Parenthood closest to where I lived for a test. I was surprised when I approached the desk and saw the mother to one of my former basketball teammates there. That was the first moment I remember having any emotion about the choice I made. I filled out the paperwork and she reviewed it, verbally asking questions about the part that stated I had been pregnant before and had an abortion. In the way Black women and mothers can condemn you and whoop your behind with facial expressions and never saying a word is EXACTLY the face she gave me. She questioned me for asking for another pregnancy test and eluded to me being reckless and going back out to the same “loose” experiences that go the there in the first place. I felt judged and small but also knew she didn’t personally know me and I had to leave for basic training so she could think whatever the hell she wanted as long as I got this test.
I remember getting the results back and her handing me a form at the front desk which still read, pregnant. She called me up to the desk and informed me what the nurse informed her, “You are no longer pregnant because of the procedure you had BUT because it was so recent, the HCG hormone is still coursing through your body giving a false positive.” I remember her breathing a sigh of relief once she explained that to me and her demeanor changing towards me. Then she asked what I wanted this test for and I told her I was leaving in the morning for the Air Force. She attempted to congratulated me but at that point, I felt it was just niceties because she already showed me how she felt so she could kiss my ass. She would just be one more of those people I’d have to prove wrong.
If you’ve made it this far, you are a trooper. Stay tuned for the finale which was even more so life impacting for me from this point.