Autumn Is Good For Grieving, Right?

“Grief is an energy that works at mellowing the mind, heart and body.” Ancestor Malidoma Patrice Somé

I came back from living in Hawai’i in January 2016, with two children by my side that never experienced what seasons were. Their entire lives had been lived on an island where they went to the beach or the pool daily if not a few times a day. Their parents took them along hikes and explored the various outdoor experiences, cuisine of various cultures and being called reiki by a ton of non-blood familial Aunties. When I left the mainland, I was running from facing the current hurts I was experiencing in my life. My mom just transitioned, I was fighting for custody of my older sisters children, I had a new baby and a new mother, I was raising my younger sister and 4 months in motherhood, I found out I was pregnant again. For someone that was used to being a Type-A personality and holding all of the people and things together, I was losing control of it all. I needed to redirect people and things and gain some more control around my life that felt like it was spiraling.

Oh, I know how to lead and take control and that’s exactly what I did. After my baby sister made a decision that placed both her and I in jeopardy for her future, I felt I had to make the hard decision to send her to live a state away with my father. I was doing as much as I could as an older sister to try to protect her but it didn’t feel as if she was making it easier for me. My husband had no other option but to leave to Hawai’i without me and our newborn so I invited his family and mine to come for a final cookout before he left. Next, I started negotiations to sell our cars, sell anything I could to get it out of our house and have less to move to Hawai’i and even less to place in military storage. I was doing all of this while ending my military career, being a new mom and pregnant. Did I say I was doing all of this as a new mom? A new mom that just had her own mom transition, weeks before giving birth? Oh, okay.

“Grief takes us to the top of the hill and then lets us walk back down slowly, peacefully. It helps relieve the person who is in sorrow and leads him or her toward acceptance of the phenomenon of death, separation and love.”

Living in Hawai’i was not only amazing but I heard if its healing waters and soulful medicine and I was curious to know what would be waiting for me there, well after I birthed my son. Not having a village or family nearby pushed me deeper into pushing myself to heal, to recover, to be a good mom and do it all alone like I seen women in my family do it. And with the seasons never really changing in Hawai’i, I experienced the island fever of it being the same all the time. There were holiday sales and events and it would be hard to notice it was even Halloween or Christmas if you weren’t walking around in a store with music playing. The ease of island life, mixed with my new projects-a non profit for young girls experiencing sex trafficking, a business teaching and aiding other businesses on how to start and become a business, direct sales and well, Mom-ing kept me from having to face the demons of demon emotions I was shoving in the back of the closets within my mind.

Then I did something I really wanted for myself. I went on my first yoga retreat to Thailand and Cambodia where I spent a lot of time with myself. I had to get real and face what I was not really interested in facing before because something in my life had to change. While I was on my yoga retreat, Spirit reminded me of my tweet back in 2013 where I said I would become a yoga teacher and own my own studio and spa. I knew during my time in Thailand and Cambodia something inside of me shifted and would never be the same and I knew I could not deny this call in my heart that aligned with what Spirit said. I was ready to become a yoga teacher and share this practice with others BUT I knew I was heading back to South Carolina and who in the holy city, of the holiest Bible-belts was going to be willing to do yoga with a Black woman?!

I was heading back to South Carolina and who in the holy city, of the holiest Bible-belt was going to be willing to do yoga with a Black woman?

Even with doubt, I have always trusted what I know Spirit is telling me to be the truth and exactly what I will do, even if it doesn’t quite make sense to myself or others. So I researched and was accepted into the yoga school my heart desired to be a student at. I remember sharing during our introductions on how my largest impact at the time was my mom and how I did not want to transition from this life not having lived out the music inside of me. So I enrolled in class and shortly after graduation prepared myself to move back to South Carolina with my babies as a new yoga teacher.

I was ready to hit the ground running when I came back, having let go of my non-profit after the dysfunction of the co-directors, closing my business consulting others to start and open businesses. Stepping away from direct sales knowing I wanted to help people and make an impact without having to force a sale or emotionally manipulate women. Only this time, I was facing the reality of what it would look like to possible staring single-motherhood down while attempting to repair our South Carolina home that our property managers abandoned after our latest tenants broke their lease and damaged. It was a battle to re-establish myself without the supportive village I had when I left only 3 years earlier, when family members changed their mind about the ways they would be supportive when I returned and then being a married single-mom.

Coming back to the states and our home was the first time I actually felt the frigid cold of winter, standing in the living room I hadn’t wanted to be in since the last charge was cleared and my mom was shocked in transit to the hospital. Facing it all and feeling alone I started to grieve. I had tears for all of it. Grieving the lost friendships or the false friendships I thought, I had. Grieving the transition of being just a married woman to a mom and then a mom of two. Grieving the loss of my own identity now wrapped up in the roles of caretaking little humans and a husband and making them the center of my world because society doesn’t think I should have any dreams and should live vicariously through my children. I finally, started to grieve.

Ya’ll holidays and the last part of the year are extremely hard on people in general but especially on folks from marginalized lived experiences and identities. Sometimes it feels like that grief is too much and unaddressed it can become depression and bigger mental health concerns. This month, I am hosting a grieving circle for Black, Indigenous and people of the global majority who just feel like there is something they need to finally feel and process. In this space we will share only if wanted but mostly be held in a space with others deeply desiring community. There is no obligation to do anything other than show up. If you are interested in attending please register here.

If you or someone you care about are experiencing a mental health crisis, text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a mental health professional. For anyone experiencing thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.