7 Things I’m Kicking in 2023
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Align and alignment is one of those buzzwords that keep coming across in feeds and with spiritual and healing practitioners and it could be for good reason. Before I get into my list of things that no longer feel aligned for me heading into 2023, I just want to create some shared language (a working definition so those engaging have a mutual understanding).
According to Google:
alignment- noun
1.
arrangement in a straight line, or in correct or appropriate relative positions.
"the tiles had slipped out of alignment"
2.
a position of agreement or alliance.
"the uncertain nature of political alignments"
For what I wrote below, I am referencing the first definition of alignment. Now that we have some shared language around what alignment is, here are seven things I no longer feel aligned with.
Reasoning and Explaining: Because I said so, okay well my grandfather used to comfort my mother and her siblings often when they worried about what someone thought, perceived or believe about them by saying, “Can they whoop ya’ ass?” Which of course they were required to respond with ‘no’ (because we were raised, there was no shame in getting into a fight but don’t get into a fight AND get your ass beat because then our elder was gonna beat our ass too!) Then he would end with the sentiment, “Then, fuck ‘em!” We always took this to mean what they say or think doesn’t matter than because they aren’t big or grand enough to be able to do anything about it. I live by this to this day. My life and lifestyle are those of my own and it may or may not align for each person and as a result, I am not interested in arguing with anyone about who I am or my choices because they are MY choices. I live and let live and expect those I engage with to do the same.
Proving myself: Proving myself is and has been a huge part of my healing journey because in my young life I was indoctrinated into a religious culture that told us how we should not think highly of ourselves and in order to reach heaven, deserve the gift of salvation, or earn God’s live I had to prove myself. Which later showed up in other ways of life. Having to prove why I was a good friend that deserved good friends, proving to love interest that I could be the non-clingy, homegirl/girl next door girlfriend that didn’t care about what he did with his friends, having to prove my Blackness was enough for other Black folks since I grew up in Colorado or middle class, having to prove my knowledge or education and that I EARNED the right or ability to speak and teach the way that I do. Even PROVING in yoga spaces that I was more studied, certified, and traveled than other white or thin bodied teachers JUST to be in the same spaces. And my big sister reminded me when she went through her own skin-gate situation, that “I am worthy because I exist.” I do NOT have to prove to anyone my value, worth, or wisdom because I am worthy because I exist! So I don’t. If someone asks what my certifications are, or what qualifies me to speak with the gumption, gall and audacity that I do I remind them I ordained myself and Spirit confirmed it through my presence on this earth. PERIODT. Now if that is not enough for some people, refer back to number one.
Negotiating my boundaries: Being in healing, spiritual, wellness spaces it is often EXPECTED for us to appear these every giving, light shining, holy all the time people that have transcended the human experience and have evolved to some enlightened great beyond, newsflash WE HAVEN’T. We are human and still living through the same things others are. We do not have some secret answer to getting through it, we are not above feeling, experiencing and going through downfalls and suffering. Which means it is also important for us to have boundaries and I don’t just mean physical ones or ways we use social media, I mean even spiritual and personal boundaries to things we will and won’t allow in our spaces and in the ways we do work in the world. I am not willing to negotiate those boundaries with anyone and my reason for it is see #1, then see #2. But seriously, I set boundaries that hold me accountable to my values and what feels aligned for me. This is why I am not willing to negotiate.
Non-reciprocal relationships: I have spent the last 6 years healing from and living through the trauma of allowing others to take, take, take without even the remote expectation for them to give back or for me to receive. Now I cannot merely blame others, I also had to recognize the ways I enabled those behaviors and the ways I was taught and conditioned to be a giver at the expense of my own livelihood. This has happened in friendships, familial relationships and evening business. Learning to receive, learning to be poured into and learning it is okay to center myself and care for my own needs has been a major part of my healing journey and if you don’t remember why, (check out this ritual in writing) to understand more about being indoctrinated in religious spaces. Now, I am intentional too. I know that oftentimes I give and those that love and support me give from their hearts and there may or may not be a material way to EVER repay what the gift was in the moment, whether it was words of wisdom, comfort, just being there or checking in my text or phone call- I say all of that to say, I’m not keeping a tally mark of the quantity or cost and my friends and chosen family know this.
Showing up in spaces that do not honor my value but love my wisdom: 2020 did me the fuck in. Seriously 2020, fucked me up in my personal life and in the industry I am in because all of the things I had been saying in yoga and wellness spaces for the last 4 years were finally being addressed and brought to the forefront due to the pandemic and people witnessing the deaths of Ahmad Arbury, George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. Suddenly studio owners, wanted to pay me to teach their staff about diversity, equity and inclusion. I was being asked to speak in tons of places, my studio was receiving donations left and right, and white women were paying for my signature workshop at my studio that was telling them to check their privilege, quit the cultural appropriation and return back to their origins. BUT while I was continuing my work of calling out harm in yoga and wellness, floods of white women and their eyes and own experiences dropped into my DMs. Some went back and forth with me arguing about being racist, some defended the harm caused by other teachers and studios and if nothing else white women centered themselves sharing their stories WAITING for me to use my Black created platform to call out the harms they experienced but were unwilling to openly name themselves. And then as fall came around, those invitations to speak declined. Classes were no longer full, workshops were half attended, invitations to be on their podcasts or be a part of their teacher training programs ceased. And I was let to lick the wounds and care for myself in ways that I had not experienced yet. I felt used and abused, and I was still showing up for the folks in my community that couldn’t sleep at night and needed someone to hold space for them. I was still holding virtual space for caregivers and organizers that were neck deep in the work and burning out and hanging on by a thread because they too were underfunded and no longer the shiny new social justice cause of the week. Media was asking for interviews and taking pictures and wanting to use my studio space, for free and without honoring how much it takes a Black small business to operate when never funded. So NAW, I don’t teach, speak or sign my name or businesses name to white led philanthropy projects being awarded millions of dollars in funding but asking me to teach for $100 to be tokenized and gain notoriety or social capital. I am not going to be liked by everyone and the teacher that needs to show up in every space, in fact I know there are speakers and teachers that are Black women that are willing to show up for a cup of coffee, but this Taurean Queen ain’t it!
Remaining humble and lowly: The life and healing from indoctrination is a thick, heavy and messy one. Growing up in the church and well in Black families we are often taught, “Don’t think more highly than you ought to” a Black proverb taken from the Bible and also shared as, “You get getting to big for your britches!” As a way of saying, stay in your place. And well, I did it. I would win awards and say thank you but not celebrate out loud and I dared not to show or share it in ways that made others feel as if I were arrogant, cocky or conceited. I think this is why when Kanye first came out I loved him. Because he was a smart kid that grew up middle class and had access and privilege like I did without becoming cool by having street cred and he also talked his shit. He told everyone he was a genius. He told people he was great and as going to be great and whether people believed him or not didn’t matter because he believed him. I know especially in wellness, spiritual and healing spaces its often cliche to see or hear “check your ego at the door” or letting go of ones ego but we also have to acknowledge that it takes a healthy amount of ego to dream a dream and go after it. I have accomplished a lot in my 35 years of life and have done everything I have desired to do as of yet and it has taken a lot to do it. I am not willing to sleep on myself or not big up myself for what I have been able to accomplish with friends, family and support. SO prepare to see MORE and witness the celebrations.
Celebrating liberation behind closed doors: Listen as much as the word liberation is used and floats around on these social webs, it is often upheld to a very pure, humble, lowly and silent unseen experience. I cannot say for others what that should look like but I know for me and my family we want other people to get free, we want to celebrate with others who have said ‘Fuck the systems, let’s get free” and have decided to no longer be a part of the status quo. And every chance we get we are going to celebrate, we are going to laugh and find joy in the revolution and rebellion.