Come With Receipts? Part 2
If you missed part 1, you might want to go back and read it first so all of this will make sense. This ritual in writing picks up with me sharing the second half of an experience with a spiritual teacher still in business and active today. This is not intended to call them out or call them in, as I am not in relationship with the person. I am sharing these experiences merely as examples of what engaging your own spirit of discernment can do for you while witnessing not everyone that claims to be spiritual as a teacher or guide is actually for you. Also, this continuation is pretty long too.
“We go into this practice and look for the teachers to guide us and they are perpetuating this system.”
Layla F. Saad, Good Ancestor Podcast Episode 20
I spent the rest of that day thinking about her and my interaction and how she was unable to relate with me culturally-so could she help me? I thought about how she did not honor my NO and if she would keep pushing me in this way when I say no later would she remind me it was me choosing to ‘invest in myself’? I thought about how she would not get off the phone unless there was a confirmed yes or monetary transaction made and I didn’t like it. Do not get me wrong, I agree in todays society spiritual teachers and the work they offer are oftentimes under valued and not financially supported in the same ways as things you can physically or tangibly hold in your hand or notice changes in, this was not that.
I checked my account and she charged my card. Even when I told her I would call her back and let her know my yes or no, it was clear she did not just take down my card number just in case I said yes. She took my giving her my card number as a yes. Yes, I did make the choice to give her my card number but that does not mean I cannot change my mind. So I did. I called her and told her I decided not to do it and she could return my deposit. Every excuse in the world came up as to why she could not return my deposit, then it went to being my fault for not being decisive enough and not being willing to invest in myself. Except this time when she noticed I was not going to change my mind she decided to tell me it would be several days because she was out of town and could not process refunds. No problem, PayPal knows how to and they will side with the client. BOOM!
I ended up contacting PayPal and calling my bank to report fraud for the charge, then I had her attention. Suddenly my refund was processed that day. And for me, although I kicked myself for abandoning my decisions and what I felt my spirit discerned, I made the right choice for me. I did stay in their facebook group but I choose not to interact with them anymore. Several months into the year, she gives me a call. (Bizarre right?!?) I was bracing myself because I was sure we did not exactly end things on good terms so it felt awkward for her to reach out to me. She reaches out, in this conversation for what felt like her own personal gain, again. Once I pick up she begins to share how hard things have been for her because she is now dating someone in the military and he goes on missions all the time and leaves her behind and she doesn’t know what to do or how to handle it, so now that we have the same experience I should tell her what to do and give her some tips. Y’all, I couldn’t do it. For me it felt like this pseudo spiritual woman was now trying to connect with me on one of the things I shared with her as to why I was not sure I had capacity for and she told me I was using as an excuse to not invest in myself. Whatever it was, I wanted NO parts of it. Not nan one. I graciously offered to her to take care of herself and build her business then I promptly got off the phone.
I did not have a problem sharing with her, I also have no problem with investing in myself when I know for sure my heart really wants and desires to do something. But there were several interactions with this woman that did not feel right for me and I had the choice to abandon myself and what I knew my gut or intuition was telling me and then force myself to participate in something that I would not feel to be right for me or honor what I needed and say no.
What I have found is even in spirituality or religion heck even academia and ways of wanting to learn or import ourselves, when we do not use our spirit of discernment to acknowledge or say something is or is not right for us, we have a history of abuse in the form of being told we do not know what is best for ourselves. In turn we doubt that feeling in our gut when we sign up for class with a person that says things that make us cringe even if there is some truth whispered between the harshness. We abandon ourselves by giving our power away to a person or figure we have placed on a pedestal to be guru, specialist or expert in something we want to learn, experience or heal from and it is this conditioning that opens the doors for cult-like and abusive behaviors.
Photo Credit: @kevin_tucios
It is not a shock that people have left organized religion in droves and a large portion of this (I believe) has to do with people constantly being told or reminded that they are not good enough, are unworthy of love or salvation because they are human and innately bad or flawed. I believe people come to the church or spirituality because they are aware they are in need of healing, in need of being guided back to themselves before this world conditioned them and because our hearts and souls desire and yearn for more, for a return to our wholeness. We open ourselves to all of the ways that begin to present themselves thinking we have:
Called this in
Manifested it
God/Spirit/Universe has delivered the answer to our prayers.
This doesn’t make us wrong, it puts us in a position of vulnerability that we will be open to all of the things we seek and because of our openness sometimes we draw in things that look like or appear like what it is we seek but it misses the mark in some way or another or causes us harm in some form or another. Well, then what do we do? This is where our spirit of discernment comes in.
Truthfully no one can tell you but you. No one will know or feel what your body and spirit are telling you in any given situation except you, so no you cannot delegate this to someone else for you. Don’t search this waiting for me to tell you 3-5-7 ways you can use a spirit of discernment because what works for me may not work for you. Trust yourself enough to know what is for you. This is not a sales pitch, but you can take my free course on Discernment if you want to continue diving into this topic.