Doin’ Me (or pt.2)

I left off last week sharing with you guys how I had to take out my braids and well, I eventually end up cutting off all of my hair or you know, doing the BIG CHOP. Like most things in Black (American) culture, we do it big and it is a big deal when we make major changes and returning natural is one of them. I didn’t have a party but well, I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Ok WAIT, before I share the photos let me explain.

One of the reasons cutting my hair (especially to return natural) was such a huge decision for me was I grew up in the Christian church and primarily under the pentecostal or apostolic denominations. These denominations in Christianity are primarily practiced by Black Americans and have very strict and dogmatic beliefs and traditions towards women. Even when I was a little girl, I remembered having to wear pantyhose even when it was hot outside so my legs or skin would not be the cause of someone to sin via lust. The women in our church were taught not to worry about adornments and were heavily criticized if they wore jewelry other than a wedding band, any make up or cut their hair.

Story time, my baby sister was born 9 years after I was and she was born on Easter Sunday. Although my mom was previously sick and admitted to the hospital, we were not going to see her until AFTER church service ended. Instead of going to see my mom and her being released from the hospital she gave birth to my now, twin. Leading up to her hospitalization my mother’s hair was falling out. So she went to her hairdresser and asked for her to create a style to care for her hair and not make it noticeable that her hair was falling out. Well, in our church this was a huge no-no. In fact, it was one of the other women evangelists that spoke from the pulpit criticizing my mother in front of the whole congregation for not only cutting her hair but for not going to our pastor for guidance in regards to her hair situation. Y’all, there isn’t an emoji strong enough to express the shock and hurt I witnessed and experienced watching this other woman who could have chose compassion and empathy instead use her position to shame and guilt my mom. I never forgot this experience.

Although, I had my own feelings and was no longer participating in a traditional church, I questioned if I would still be “acceptable in thy sight” if I cut my hair and not only cut my hair but no longer relaxed my natural texture out. I remember holding, or clinging onto so many parts of my identity during this time because it was all that I knew and what could freedom be on the other side. I was in direct sales during this time as well and one of the sayings often shared with us was, “there are two pains, the pain of remaining the same or the pain of the unknown.” It was after one of my yoga practices, I felt I heard God say, “but if I asked you to give it to me, would you?” Every time I heard that thought, I would see the above picture in my head. What if I was holding onto hair or an identity so strongly that no longer fit me and God was holding the bigger teddy bear behind his back for me waiting for my hands or arms to be empty enough to receive it?

I was not committed. In fact I couldn’t do it because I already put into the world that the only way I would return natural was if I had a midlife crisis in my 40s. (Go with me here, this is how my head interprets these things: God: “Hold my henny!”) My hair after taking out my braids was so matted, I had no other choice. I conditioned and combed and ran the shower for 3 hours. Then handed over the comb and let my husband do the combing for 2 hours and well, no luck. SO I called my stylist and told her I had an emergency and needed to see her the next day. I hoped she could comb it out and restore my relaxed hair. But instead I left like this.

Now, I am let me be clear, so many of these sentiments no longer align for me and my journey in life but this is where I was at then. It felt like it started with my hair after my mother transitioned. The next thing was leaving the church altogether and organized religion (again), then my husband and Hawaii. Then I left my friends and friends turned family in direct sales. Then it was shedding my identity as the savior family member that was supposed to hold everyone together and fix all of the things so we could all make it. And then. And then. And then. It felt like after this hair moment I began figuring out what freedom felt like after losing everything. If I didn’t know what freedom felt like, Spirit was determined to help me figure it out and there was going to be a whole lot falling away.

I will leave you with, the questions I sat with and pondered and sometimes revisit now. Who would I be if hair, if religion, a husband or career weren’t factors? What would I do if access or resources weren’t an issue? What did I enjoy doing throughout life even if I weren’t going to be paid for doing it and I would still chose it every day? If you’ve read this long, I hope you’ve gathered that I don’t have the answers for you and truthfully, no one other than you does. But I am here and willing to walk with you along your journey and there are others too!