Like A Phoenix, Rising From The Ashes

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Song: Heaven is Here by Florence + the Machine

Oh My Goddess! I did just say that. If you’ve been following me on IG, you know my family and I have been preparing for my husband (RJ) to have surgery. One of the things I have become very clear on as of late is acknowledging how large of a role caretaking is and has always been in my life and now it gets to shift as I support my husband and the little people in the way of being their biggest fans and supporters while they pursue their interest. Ya’ll, caretaking is a lot 😩 and also NOT a new phenomenon for this generation, even if we go about it in different ways.  If we were to truly do this human life in relationship and deep community with each other, we would all be considered caregivers and perhaps the load would be lighter, but I digress.

One of the things I observed most about caretaking is just how much it actually takes for me to show up wholly for my family and others in practice and even spirit. So I have given myself permission to fall apart and be supported as little or as much as needed. Just as I was coming to terms with working within this new reframing of caregiving, my dear friend Gervase Kolmos was planning a day retreat for women to come in circle and be cared for. When she mentioned ‘YOU should be there’, I accepted. Of course I was timid, about if/when/why/what if surrounding me filling up my own cup for an entire day. I even had to give myself permission to not say yes right away and sit with if I was showing up to ‘support a friend’ or if I was genuinely showing up to be in a position to receive. 

I am so glad I said yes to me. I am so glad I said yes and went to the Phoenix Session. Living off-grid has definitely been enjoyable but I miss dressing up and the extra effort of adorning myself and enhancing my beauty. To have someone else plan out and facilitate a space for me to show up and eat, drink, be intentional and be cared for was everything my soul needed in this moment. I mean the flowers, crystals, table settings, the food. All of the things typically I would think of for others, done for me.

There’s something about the way Gervase holds space that is not only intuitive but a deep invitation to be held safely in a place of discomfort and still find comfort. Through the morning half of the day we were cared for with local nourishment and the intentional magic of Urban Decay cold brew. Then we dropped in with a sound bath followed by a guided hypnosis experience with consented reiki (if desired). Shortly after we took a quick break and she offered us a time to visualize things we would release- whether in this moment or moving forward forever. 

If you’ve been in curated spaces, you’ll know people experience things in their own way and for some people, not at all. This experience for me guided me to see younger Kennae at a time younger than Kennae now, and offer her what she needed. She needed to be affirmed in being able and willing to release the expectation to hold so much and carry the load so others won’t have to carry it. And through Gervase’s words in this visualization, I was able to let go of what it really was at the core- my need to control how others see me. The need for people to see me as good and a giver so somehow I could justify my existence. Which- doesn’t need justification. Afterward, we were guided to rip out some paper and jot down what we were releasing. 

Now, being in healing spaces over decades- I know being told to “let go” or “release what no longer serves you” can be a bit of cliche but I really felt a huge heaviness release from me and drift back into the Earth. I started to remember just how vast Earth is and how she is more than capable of holding me and ALL of me. When I sat up I began to journal while Gervase shared with the circle. 

As Gervase was sharing I was reflecting and listening on how relieved I felt to let this unspoken burden go. To witness my trusted ancestor come to me, the me at that stage and tell me, I did not need to carry that burden. In fact she took it from me and told me it was not mine, it isn’t me and by holding onto it, I was not doing anyone a favor or service. I was using it to limit myself from all that I am capable of doing and being. BUT I have to make the decision and choose differently. I do not HAVE to choose the hard way or struggle way to prove a point. And who am I trying to prove this point to anyway? 

Song: R.I.P by Rita Ora

Gervase offered for the group of women there an opportunity to share and share we did. She shared everything ranging from our children to expectations, to birthing new businesses and shifting roles in our lives. And then Gervase offered to us that each of these moments are very similar to when we birthed babies. At some point no matter the method of birthing we reach this point where we may feel like we cannot do it anymore. Like we have reached our fullest human capacity and then at some point the line of full capacity blurs with the actual birth or coming forward of the baby being born. Ya’ll this whether deliberately or metaphorically reminded me of all of the pregnancy and labor pains leading up to birthing a baby, not only real children but also birthing ideas or businesses. She offered to us that it isn’t about who we were in that moment or in the past but about who we become or get to become next. And then, a lightbulb went off in my heart! This moment is me feeling and embracing the fullest capacity of all I was holding for that moment, but my baby has been birthed and as all children should be able to do, it is growing and transforming from one stage to another. I get to grow and transform and shift too! I get to birth again if I choose. 

There were more than a few gem drops throughout our time together but I think that one would be my malachite moment. Closely followed by my remembering (and reflecting from my visiting ancestor during the visualization) that I am EXTRA! And my extra might be too much for somebody but it's not for me. I don’t have to explain it or ask others to accept it. Extra is my “normal”. And my extra includes peace, 2 hearings of truth, luxury, healing, EXTRA extra on liberation and extra on my connection to the Earth. 

As I am caring for my loved ones, my beloved I can be extra in curating our table for dinner, or an outdoor sanctuary for us on the homestead. I can research as much or as little as I desire when it comes to keeping my family healthy and whole. And I can also say f*ck being an overachiever for someone's job, the over giver to anyone unwilling to reciprocate, to creating and curating spaces where I have to convince people to show up for their care that contributes to the collective and for sure f*ck faking it til I make it. I can ask for help, I can ask to be supported and seen and witnessed because innately as a woman THIS is what I do. I’m showing up in the world and this life as the woman I want to be. She just so happens to be EXTRA and heavy on luxury and love. Strong and tough because she chooses to be and not because that’s how life or the world has made her. She’s opt-ed to NOT show up on social media the way expected or engage in all of the holidays but she also can change her mind and celebrate even the mundane of life in an extra way. 

With all of that said, if you show up in the world as a womxn, femme, or non-binary person just deeply seeking to be held in a sister circle to return back to you, the Phoenix Session is definitely one you should attend. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t put this caveat out there so please know that YES, I do consider Gervase a friend AND she did not ask me to write this or promote her event, nor am I paid for any of this. I wanted to share my experience because healing is already messy and difficult work, often doing it alone makes it harder BUT to do this work and show up as a Black woman in healing spaces created and led by white or white presenting women is not always SAFE for us in our lived experience. For me, Gervase has demonstrated a commitment to learning and unlearning and being in deep relationship where we are able to hold each other accountable and witness each others power. Gervase is an incredible mother, wife and intuitive Hypnosis + Life Coach for Modern Women, to learn more about her and her work you can visit her here.