Thank YOU for Honoring What You Need
One of my favorite quotes is and has always been “This above all to thine own self be true.” After all Shakespeare was a Taurean. Whether it is healing from spirituality or organized religion, body dysmorphia or other isms from American society, your journey is your own. One of the most interesting things I see when folks begin their healing journey is doing what they see others do without having a clear direction to where they desire to go and what they are individually thinking or feeling. A newsflash, it isn’t going to work. The reason the work isn’t working, is because each and everyone one of us are unique individuals, there is no fake it til you make it when you are doing deep soul and healing work. Healing does not have an aesthetic and it cannot be purchased online and drop shipped to your front door, it’s an inside job.
Storytime:
Boom! There was this time, I experienced a training with what some would name a well-known yoga celebrity. Well, I had engaged with this person before and they shared their contact information and gave me permission to reach out. The few times I did, I never got a response back. This person and I were expecting to share space at another upcoming yoga event in another place and when the time felt appropriate I asked if they would be open to discussing the upcoming event. They never responded or got back to me.
Months later this yoga event occurs and 3 minutes before we are supposed to share space, this person asks me what I planned to do. Ya’ll it is 3 minutes and counting before we are supposed to walk into a filled space and share with others in the yoga world. 3 minutes. 3 MINUTES! I briefly shared what I had planned for our time and they shared how they felt without time for context, there was no space for what I had planned. Ya’ll!!! Okay, first off. I am a planner by nature but I made efforts prior to these 3 minutes to work together on what would be shared. I quickly and mentally made the decision to throw out the plans I had and to allow Spirit to do what Spirit does and I was just going to be open to how it flows.
I wish I could say it was all good but on the inside I was disheveled. I was thinking these folks that own the event are going to throw me out and ask me to never come back again because this is sure to turn to shit. The event begins and out of respect for the other person and myself I decided not to go with the plan I had. But as we continue on, this person begins to name and share EXACTLY the things I originally had planned to share. What in the entire f*ck? Well, apparently the event goes well and many of those that showed up to witness me in the space are sharing how wonderful or well put together it was. I say apparently because I really have no recollection of what I said or how I composed myself in the space. It was like an out of body experience and I was not there at all. I was already internalizing and ready to be over with it and find some place to hide.
Once it felt appropriate to leave the space I did. I made a dash for my support team (that happened to have my meal and a drink waiting, I couldn’t even eat). I asked where their car was and told them to get me out of there and into nature. I needed to be near the water. I was activated. I felt sick to my stomach, my adrenaline was pumping. I was angry, I was pissed but more than either of those my truth was I was hurt. I was hurt because I looked to this person to be like yogic family, more than an acquaintance but not quite a friend. I had to realize I had this expectation or fantasized version of who this person was, to me. And they let me down. Well, damn! I spent the rest of that evening away from the event and trying to process and be with my emotions. “Did this person hate me?” “Were they intentionally trying to sabotage the event?” “Still, WTF?” I needed a moment to hang my head and lick my wounds and no, I wasn’t going to stay there.
A day or so later, I finally got an answer to what I thought I experienced. I went to a yoga class, led by an incredible teacher friend, Jean Jacques Gabriel in an effort to show them support as another teacher of color and being able to be led by a male teacher of color when my home does not offer that opportunity meant a lot to me. I had no idea this class was focused on practicing consent and boy, did I learn what I needed to learn in managing my expectations. The practice that he guided affirmed that I was seen, supported AND gave me the tools through words I needed to begin my journey of managing my expectations of others.
When I sat and explored why I felt hurt it was because I was convinced that because I enjoyed being in space with them or the way I perceived them to be, they would feel the same towards me. I mean have you ever bumped into someone you’ve been following on social media in real life, only to have an interaction that made you feel like everything they said and shared on social was a fake persona? This felt like I had been bamboozled but I also had to address why I felt I needed to be seen, witnessed or accepted by this person. Not in a shady or arrogant manner or even a deflection by labeling them a hater, but they are human. They are showing up in the world the exact way they want or need to and who am I to ask anyone to be other than who they are? Looks like I need to manage my expectations and realize that sometimes doing your own healing work reveals that situations and instances we’ve taken personally are not even about you at all. They are about the person exercising their agency by honoring what they need. The tool this friends class gave me was the phrase, “Thank you for honoring what you need.”
Practice it! Seriously. This small tool, this gift was exactly what I needed and instead of taking things personal or creating s story about a person or situation in my head about something that is or is not happening, I say outlaid “Thank you for honoring what you need.” Sometimes I take this a step further and add “by you honoring what it is you need, you are modeling for me what it looks like to honor my own needs.” Talk about managing expectations. Send me a DM and let me know how this works or does not work for you and how you’ve learned more about yourself and others by managing your expectations.